Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #103108

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 103108: The aches, pains, stiffness continue, and so does my workout routine. In fact, I even made some progress: the 15-15 EM session has now become a 25-25. With the 5 minute cool downs, that brings me to a full hour of treading my troubles away. (Ba-doom-boom-ska!) My shoulders might be screwed, but the legs are a-movin'!

Going for the Thighs-Man Trophy. Those drops above my right toe: ho sweat.

The ho sweat continues, but so does the shower and shvitz. I know it sounds like a Halloween story, but I met a doctor/Y-member who looked a little like Jesus. Nice guy; made me wish I remembered his real name. We talked about his med-school years and my aches and pains--which, he hinted, might be the result of arthritis. Way to celebrate a midlife crisis, I know, but I'm predisposed to make unusual choices. And, really, if you can't talk to Christ--even a makeshift one--who can you talk to?

The conversation made me wonder how permanent this discomfort may be--especially with the two-year anniversary of the accident less than a week away. Of course, I'd been warned about limitations--nerve damage, loss of strength, range of motion--but had been doing comparatively well before the seasonal shift that I thought I'd beaten the odds. Joke's on me...for now.

Just as I was neck deep in revelation, I ran into a mature member whose nudity made me preemptively wonder about scrotum reduction. And just like that, the stress was gone. Nothing like a low-slung scrotum to help pull your head out of your ass. As my friend Kimberlee would say, "...and scene!"

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #102908

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 102908: Pain and gain don't leave much room for brain use. And thank God--if my brain knew what my body was up to, it'd go on strike. Me being my own slave labor, I can't really afford to keep the lines of communication open. And perhaps that's the way pain intended it. Everyday I get up expecting to do so without difficulty, and every so often--less over the past few months--I do.

Boarded the stationery bike and went for a 55-minute jaunt. With my five-minute cool down, I got in an entire hour of leg power. I figure if my upper body's in the Land of Fakakta Function, my lower body's going to need to be fit to drive the getaway car/cycle to get me out...of Pain.

Anyhew--the cycle was followed by the usual legwork, which was followed by a long, hot shower and a good, sweaty shvitz. Here's hoping it helps.

Object of Virtual Affection: Home Movies

Insomniac that I am, I really love Home Movies. It's such a free for all of amusing dysfunction--Brendan's movie-making hijinks, Coach McGuirk's mess of a life--not to mention Walter and Perry, the gay eight-year-old duo. That W&P's is the most stable relationship going--Brendan's friendship with Jason and Melissa is pretty sturdy, too--says a lot about that show. (Or does it say a lot about life?) The codependent back-and-forth between those two is as my friend Courtney would say, "comedy gold."

Walter protecting Perry
from the untoward affection of a horny dog.

I want to buy the 10th Anniversary DVD Box Set, but it's just a matter of time before they release it digitally. Isn't that the future of the medium at this point, anyway? "Blu-Ray, Schmu-Ray" is what I say--though to Home Movies I say "Hoo-ray!"

Kirk Shannon-Butts: Goes Old Hollywood!

Kirk Shannon-Butts recently posted about his burgeoning stylist career on Glamour's Web site. This post's client: Maxwell, who recently performed at Radio City Music Hall as an appetite-whetter for his coming Live Again 2008 World Tour. Sharp stuff--and I'm not just talking about the styling!

Blurb-Worthy: Me and MediaBistro down by the Schoolyard

MediaBistro posted a little blurb about me. Check it out.

The bio picture
without the fakakta sizing.

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #102208

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 102408: I'm convinced the weather is to blame for the current aches and pains. Fakakta scapula--an album name if ever I heard one--seems to be gone for the most part, but the shoulders are still a cantankerous mess.

Made it through the 15-15 session with EM--arms still stationary--without the benefit of a towel to sweat on. The flub was mine: preemptive senility is the likely culprit. Either way, I ended up as sweaty as a whore--"ho sweat," I like to call it. My entire shirt was soaked--and though I'm aware that bigger things are taking place in the world, ho sweat is no joke.

A poor attempt to document my ho sweat.
The flash bulb freaked out the guy next to me,
so I had to show him the shot to allay his fear
of falling prey to gay voyeurs.
(Ceci n'est pas une poeme.)

I washed off the prostitution blues and hit the steam room on and off for an hour. It relaxed my mind, but the body was still displeased. I'm worried about Wednesday, as this man might be down for the week. Perhaps the shoulders will take less offense if I do the stationary cycle instead of EM. Here's hoping. Until then, it's all about the IcyHot Patch, the 'benzaprine, and the EMS-6500.

As a wise man named Dave Chappelle said in a movie called Half-Baked: "Gawd--if you listenin'--HELP!"

Top 8 Songs: Week Ending October 25, 2008

1. "Can It Be (Half A Million Dollars And 18 Months Later)," Murs (from Murs for President)
2. "Spiralling," Keane (from Perfect Symmetry)
3. "Nylon Smile," Portishead (from Third)
4. "I'm Innocent," Murs (from Murs for President)
5. "The Rip," Portishead (from Third)
6. "Pretend that You're Alone," Keane (from Perfect Symmetry)
7. "Poison Apples (Hallelujah)," Joan Osborne (from Righteous Love)
8. "Shape of My Heart," Sting (from Ten Summoner's Tales)

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #102408

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 102408: Day four of the fakakta scapula continues. The shoulders are a stiff, sore, and irritable mess. The cyclobenzaprine works but has the disruptive side effect of keeping me sleepy, the IcyHot Patch has been more novel than helpful, and the EMS-6500 has been a Godsend.

Which came first: the pedal or the mettle?

Determined to sustain my three weekday routine, I trudged to the gym. Hit the stationary cycle, where I rolled through 30 minutes and nine some-odd miles before hitting the leg machines. Skipping the arm-and-shoulder stuff made the time disappear. The steam room was good; better for the cabeza than the back, and every little bit helps.

I'll give the body the weekend to recover. Here's hoping it does.

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #102208

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 102208: I must have done something wrong on Monday, because my left shoulder and scapula have been smarting ever since. It got so bad that I ended up popping two cyclobenzaprine. While it and the IcyHot Patch I used helped me sleep, they haven't quite diminished the pain like I had hoped they would.

After much back and forth (in my head), I decided to hit the gym. I got hot but not heavy with EM, because I kept my arms on the stationary poles instead of the moving ones. Made it through the usual 15-15 (minutes running in each direction)--and even made some headway on rolling the hips backward for more-efficient motion.

The truly unfortunate part of the day's plans involved my planned return to the swimming pool. Given the fakakta scapula, swim strokes didn't seem a good idea. My consolation: the steam room, where the heat really helped--as did the cold air and less than lukewarm shower afterward.

There's no way I'm going to be able to use the upper-body machines on Friday. I should be able to get the legwork done--along with the stationary bicycle--which, while not ideal, is much better than nothing.

Off to the medicine cabinet for some 'benzaprine. Hopefully the combination of that and the electrotherapy of the EMS-6500, I'll make some headway.

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #102108

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 102108: In an effort to ensure no repeat shower sandal scandals, I caved in and signed up for a permanent locker--as permanent as a rental can be. Though it leaves me lighter in the wallet ($11.50/month), it also leaves me lighter in the backpack, which is nice.

Attempted to take the circuit room by storm and, with the exception of waiting a few minutes to use a few machines, I did. Saw what looked like a dance class through the window into the gym, but it turned out to be a step class. The students' clockwise rotation and arabesque lunges looked like a modern dance rehearsal.

Ran into a marginal catastrophe upstairs; all of the elliptical machines were being used. Oblivious yutz that I am, it never occurred to me that such a thing would ever happen. My mind-bending powers eventually won out: a fellow member finished his session. I hopped on and tried to get it going on to no avail. My legs were too tired from the squat thrusts I'd done downstairs. That, in concert with my realization that I hadn't eaten all day, found me doing the unthinkable: I gave up on the machine after five minutes.

Got on the stationary bicycle instead. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed cycling until I churned through eight miles of virtual hills in 26 minutes, burning a total of 256 calories. And just like that, EM and I moved from hot-and-heavy steadies to an open relationship that leaves me free to see other cardio machines. Though it makes me a fickle prick, it also makes for a better workout in the long run. We'll still get together--just on noncircuit days, is all.

The home-wrecking culprit: squat thrusts.

Kirk Shannon-Butts: Doing It with Style!

My buddy Kirk Shannon-Butts, the men's fashion editor and occasional blogger for Glamour, recently did the styling for this week's HX (also known as Homo Xtra) Magazine cover.

Shannon-Butts is also a writer/director. His last film, Blueprint, was on the Spirit Awards short list for "Someone to Watch," a “Best Film Not Playing in a Theater Near You” finalist, and landed him on the Out 100 as "The Visionary."

As if that wasn't enough, he's currently working on the screenplay for his next film, The Pain Session, and will be directing The Day Easy-E Died, based on James Earl Hardy's book of the same name. Way to go, KSB!

Top 8 Songs: Week Ending October 18, 2008

1. "Welcome to the Occupation," Cold War Kids (from Loyalty to Loyalty)
2. "Can It Be (Half A Million Dollars And 18 Months Later)," Murs (from Murs for President)
3. "Good Friends (Demo)," Joni Mitchell*
4. "Spiralling," Keane (from Perfect Symmetry)
5. "Golden Gate Jumpers," Cold War Kids (from Loyalty to Loyalty)
6. "I'm Innocent," Murs (from Murs for President)
7. "Mexican Dogs," Cold War Kids (from Loyalty to Loyalty)
8. "Pretend that You're Alone," Keane (from Perfect Symmetry)

* YouTube Exclusive

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #101708

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 101708: The sound of adrenalized tweenyboppers running wild is a fate worse than bad breath. Such was my greeting upon entering the gym. And here I thought Friday was the mellow day.

And it was--I mean, is. The kids filed out less than 15 minutes later, much to the pleasure of my curmodgeonly ears. Went at it with EM and had the roughest time with the forward roll. I usually get a good 9-10 mph going, but today I was struggling to stay in the eights. Made up for it in reverse, though--had a good 11-12 mph stride going. Somehow I'm able to roll my hips better running backward. Methinks the forward-momentum fluency it creates is related to either my West Indian heritage, sex, or both. Whatever the case, the goal is to get it good going forward. (Sounded clearer in my head.)

Headed down to the locker room, ready for a steam & shvitz, only to discover I'd only brought one of my shower sandals. Repeated scouring of my gym bag yielded the same result: one sandal--forcing me to go barefoot. Hello, Athlete's Foot, my old friend!

When the going gets tough, the tough get tough-actin' Tinactin!
(They should pay me for that one.)

Headed to the nearest store and bought some Tinactin. No itching or burning yet--only disgust.

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #101508

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 101508: Decided to change things around a bit and hit the circuit machines before hopping on the EM bandwagon--mostly because I sweat the crap out of my shirt and end up feeling like a the whore I used to be. The sweaty shirt also makes for an unsettling sight on machines that other people have to use. I use my towel as a cover/barrier and am obsessive about wiping down the machines afterward, but it never seems adequate.

The switch-up went swimmingly--rowing machine pun not intended. I got through the circuit without much wait time for the next machine. Was tempted to try out a few other machines--the thigh crunch, calve flex, and a few other doohickeys--but decided not to push too far for my first circuit machine day in...two weeks. (Oh the shame!) Perhaps next time.

Michael row the circuit boat ashore?

Bypassed the crowded--in varying states of undress; now there's a tableau--huddled around the locker-room television for the final presidential debate and headed in for the usual shower and shvitz. Was able to shed the exasperation of my voter fatigue and focused on my own private America (and no, that wasn't a double entendre). Now that's national security!

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #10138

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 101308: Determined to right the wrong of last week's shameful attendance, I dragged my lethargic arse into the Church of Pain and Gain to repent. Didn't realize how much I'd missed EM until we made out. Quasi-interesting note: It seems I'm better at running in reverse than I am going forward. (Insert wisecrack here--or rather, in the comments section.) Go figure.

The shower and shvitz were rejuvenating; the steam room has fast become my makeshift meditation space. I come out of that room relaxed, reenergized, and ready to believe in the power of positive thought. Kumbaya, indeed.

This week's plan is to do a Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule, listen to what the shoulders have to say, and go from there.

Top 8 Songs: Week Ending October 11, 2008

1. "Good Friends (Demo)," Joni Mitchell*
2. "Welcome to the Occupation," Cold War Kids (from Loyalty to Loyalty)
3. "Something Is Not Right With Me," Cold War Kids (from Loyalty to Loyalty)
4. "Love for Granted," Phoenix (from Alphabetical)
5. "Bullwackie's All Stars," Bullwackie's All Stars (from Black World Dub)
6. "Detroit," Black Gold (from Tragedy & Legacy)
7. "Archipelago," Quantic (Digital Single)**
8. "Breathe Through," Annie Stela (from Fool)

* YouTube Exclusive
** Amazon MP3 Exclusive (Free!)

Top 8 Songs: Week Ending October 4, 2008

1. "Recording Connection," Bullwackie's All Stars (from Black World Dub)
2. "The Green Fields Of France (featuring Josh Haden)," Charlie Haden (Digital Single)*
3. "Something Is Not Right With Me," Cold War Kids (from Loyalty to Loyalty)
4. "Troubled Land," Bullwackie's All Stars (from Black World Dub)
5. "If I Were A Bell," Amel Larrieux (from Lovely Standards)
6. "Breakable," Ingrid Michaelson (from Boys and Girls)
7. "Youthless," Beck (from Modern Guilt)
8. "What Would You Give in Exchange for Your Soul?," Bill Monroe & Doc Watson (from Live Recordings 1963-1980: Off the Record Volume 2)

* Exclusive Amazon MP3 Version

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #100208

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 100208: Dragged myself in with a bum neck and shoulder sustained during last night's sleep. Ignored the VP debate watchers in the locker room and headed for EM. Struggled through and made a beeline for the steam room, hoping it would alleviate the shoulder--which it did. Lost some ground when I put my backpack on, but what's a yutz to do? Tomorrow's workout doubtful; circuit machines might worsen an already sore situation. Good times...for somebody else.

Adventures of an Ambivalent Gym Queen, Dispatch #093008

Gym Queen's Log, Workout Date 093008: First day back on the circuit machine circuit wasn't was painful as I would have expected it to have been. Went by like a breeze, thanks to the early-afternoon workout and the usual warm-up with EM; the 15-15 appears to be my baseline for every day of exercise. Only next week's pool session will tell for sure.